Ask Elle: Advice on Women

Dear Elle,

I need your help. To make a long story short. I dated this girl over the summer. She just literally came off a super lengthy relationship (5+ yrs, rocky relationship in which her ex cheated on her repeatedly) and the last serious relationship I had was about a year prior to that. So obviously both of us weren’t looking for anything. However in a span of three-four months, we had a whirlwind relationship. We went through what normal couples go through in years. As she said, “it got too serious too fast”. We met each other’s family, got intertwined with each other’s circle of friends, at one point she literally moved into my apt and lived with me for about 3-4 weeks. She broke it off because she said it was moving too fast and it got too serious.

However she said she couldn’t be without me and currently we call each other ‘best friends.’  Although we really care about each other, listen to each, and try to be as open as possible we do keep secrets. She refuses to tell me about other guys she’s dating (which I know she is) and I refuse to tell her about girls I’m seeing. Now I know the typical advice is to get over a girl, you need to get a new one. But at the end of the day, after seeing a few girls, I’m still emotionally unavailable and find myself constantly thinking about her. I’ve slept around, but when it got to a point a girl wanted to do something as simple as cuddle or have me stay over, all the alarms in my head went off and forced me to jet. Since our lives are so intertwined we see each other frequently. All our close friends know I still have feelings for her.  Her best friend is seeing one of my close boys, we have the same circle of friends. My family loves her, she spent Thanksgiving with mine and I spent it with hers. Her father constantly tells her she wishes she never ended it with me. Her mother randomly texts me to see how I am, etc. My sister emails her to chit chat. My younger brother goes to her for dating advice. My mom constantly invites her to places with or without me.

She has to know I still have feelings for her. But anytime we come remotely close to talking about feelings, she gets really vague and switches the subject. When she’s out with other people, she’s vague and dances around the subject of whether she’s with another guy (to protect my feelings, maybe?). She’s one of those people that when they don’t want to talk about something they completely shut down and don’t talk about it at all.

I need help because, I believe she still has feelings for me but like everyone tells me she’s enjoying being single right now. She enjoys being a “free spirit”. I’ve tried getting over her by seeing other girls but I constantly compare them to her and end up becoming an asshole to these girls (don’t return calls, blow them off, flake on them). I’ve tried to disappear but found myself getting weak and contacting her or she would come out of no where and contact me.  I’ve tried staying away from her but that’s hard because she’s constantly chilling with my friends (Now, considered ‘our’ friends). Like I said, our lives are too intertwined.  Should I stick around and wait for her to come around? What else can I do to get over her if she’s constantly around? I really don’t know what to do. What would you do if you were in a situation like this?

-Mr. E

Dear Mr. E,

I’m sorry, but that was supposed to be a long story made short?

First of all, if you guys are “friends” then you are pretty shitty friends. Second of all, because your families and friends are in the mix, you’ve got a real disaster on hand.

Everybody likes to think that friendships with their ex are viable. Much like duct taping 40s to your hands, trying to be bffs with your ex is difficult, notes a serious lack of common sense, and can get downright messy. When I read your question, I can’t help but think that your “friend” is keeping you around so that when she is finished dicking around that she can pick up where your relationship left off.

If I were you, I would move as far away as possible. I wouldn’t usually advocate running away from your problems, but your entire situation sort of gives me a mind numbing headache. If you’re not down for that, I suggest kickball. An aggressive, stress relieving team activity: you will get to meet new people and kick the shit out of something. Whatever you do, do not wait around for her to change her mind and come crawling back. If you do I will personally come to your house and slap you across the face several hundred times.

If you would like to ask Elle a question about dating, relationships or something else ridiculously interesting, send an email to askelle@ploomy.com

Elle Chyun is a dancer and arts collaborator living in NYC. She’s a graduate of the University of the Arts in Philadelphia and currently dances with cakefaceart.com and robot hands. She likes vodka, shoes, and sarcasm.

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