Editor’s Note: This article was submitted by Associated Jungle.
Disclaimer: If this article offends you then it’s YOU I’m referencing.
1. How everything has to be “organic”
Why does everything have to be “organic” nowadays? And why does it come at a premium? I’m talking about the food. If it’s supposedly better for you, why is it that my doctor never suggests for me to eat organic so as to live a healthier life? You know why? Because it doesn’t quite get the job done… no help… doesn’t work. All foods that are sold in the US have to meet a safety standard, otherwise they wouldn’t sell it to you. The last time I went to Whole Foods I didn’t see the healthiest people, but rather the wealthiest. On that note, screw organic.
My grandparents never ate organic and they lived beyond the age of ninety. Hell, I don’t even think they ever knew what organic was. Half the stuff they ate had an ingredients list of scientific names and secret codes. On the other hand, it tasted good and they lived nearly a century. What you should be avoiding is FAT, not the pesticide and steroids that actually do you and your food a favor. On that note–again–screw organic.
I hope that on the day one of you organic advocates fall ill, you happen to catch me eating a juicy chemical burger.
2. The growing popularity of bicycle hipster-bars
Who in the world suggested a foot-long handlebar for a bicycle? How does that help? First off, you lose stability and control. Don’t expect to ride any faster nor do any better at avoiding accidents. Secondly, you’re cutting yourself short of oxygen. The further apart your hands are would actually support for better breathing. And last but not least, this trend is most apparent on track bicycles. WHAAAT!? These dummy bars would defeat their entire purpose!!!
3. People who tell me to be more open-minded when they’re the ones following all the latest trends
“What!? You don’t know about yada-yada blah-blah-blah?” This person in reference likes to keep me in check with all the latest gossip and current trends… I hate this guy. I think he likes to belittle me. Why is it that it’s my mind that’s locked up in a chastity belt solely because my interests differ from his? I don’t care about your cool, new hoodie!
I don’t care about who won American Idol or what happened to so-and-so celebrity. And no, I shouldn’t watch it on YouTube and I’m not buying a pair of checkered Vans with a matching belt. Maybe I have it all wrong, but I’ll never enlist in your army of checkered people… Never!
4. When people complain about bad service
“Excuse me, I’ve been waiting for like 10 minutes for my venti, quad shot, extra hot, light whip, non-dairy, almond latte with extra tapioca balls and that guy got his drink before I did and he was behind me in line and…” Don’t you hate these people? Just be cool, Mr. Nuclear. First of all, it’s only been 4 minutes and the reason how I know is because I ordered my drink before you! And you probably would have had your drink sooner if your order wasn’t so much like a chemistry experiment. You’re not customizing a car, okay? So keep it simple. There are more important things to be concerned with, like Myanmar. Let’s try to keep things into perspective.
5. The “List of 10…”
Why do I have to know ten things all the time? Why not just three? In the movies it’s always three things I need to know. And who decided that ten was the magic number? Why not give me an odd numbered list? Or how’s about prime numbers? Let’s start using prime numbers. 10 could be like a checkered Vans thing. I’ll see to that.
6. Those visors that drop down and look like welding masks
I see these things quite a bit and are popular with older ladies… OK, OK, OK… Asian ladies. Word of advice: Stop wearing them! You know, it’s now possible to get your hands on huge, “fashionable” sunglasses that cover nearly half your face, so why do you still insist on that face window? Do you enjoy simulating a car’s moon roof? I don’t care if you ran out of sun lotion, you’re not a Power Ranger. How do you look at yourself in a full size mirror with that thing on and say to yourself “I’m ready to go”? You’re kidding me right?
7. When girls complain about getting treated better
So it went like this.
Her: “Men suck.”
Her: “Guys just don’t know how to treat girls nowadays.”
Me: “How were guys treating you before?”
Her: “Much better! My ex was so sweet and romantic. He would always write me a note on the fridge before he left for work. You know, do little things for me to show me he cared.”
Me: “Why aren’t you with him now?”
Her: “He cheated on me. To this day I still don’t know why.”
Me: “How did you treat him?”
Her: “I did whatever he wanted me to do.”
Me: “Like what?”
Her: “You know, I let him do whatever he wanted.”
Me: “What the hell are you talking about!?”
Me: “You probably didn’t do anything for him!”
Her: “I did!”
Me: “Like what then?”
Me: “Most guys will always treat a girl well when they’re courting them. It’s give, give, give in the beginning until they get you and that’s when it’s your turn to step it up.”
Her: “Why? I don’t get it?”
Me: “Let me guess, you wanted to be treated like a princess right? You feel like you deserve it right?”
Her: “All women do.”
Me: “You know what, all women DO deserve to be treated like princesses.”
Her: “Damn right!”
Me: “Yeah, you’re right. But if you want a man to treat you like a princess you have to treat them like a KING!”
Her: (dead silence)