The Front 9: Golf Etiquette for Weekend Hackers

Being an avid golfer, I witness a wide array of skill levels, from beginners to scratch players. And I detest playing with beginners who don’t have common golf courtesy. Observing your group’s ardent golfer or a pro’s decorum can subconsciously improve your own mannerisms around the fairways. Golf is obviously played at a different pace than your average sport; therefore, certain rules apply to it. There is no other sport where you penalize yourself. When I’m playing pickup hoops, I’m not going to call fouls on myself [and if you’re the one who calls charges, you suck]. Golf is different. Not many other sports have unwritten rules that dictate the code of conduct. If you’re new to the sport, be cognizant of the following golf etiquette tips when you play, as it will lead to a more pleasurable round amongst your foursome. It most likely won’t improve your score though.

1^st Hole: Pick up the Pace - I’m not talking about the salsa, but rather every golfer not getting paid to play should play “ready golf”—meaning if you’re ready for your next shot but you’re not furthest out, go ahead and play it. You see your playing partner feverishly looking for his ball in the rough stuff, so instead of idling around go ahead and play [that is, if you’re not helping him look for his Titleist]. While on the putting green, please don’t mark your ball from tap-in distance. 18 holes shouldn’t take more than 4.5 hours to finish. On municipal golf courses, this is by far the biggest complaint people have.

2^nd Hole: Stop Mimicking the Legends - You are not Chi-Chi Rodriguez, so don’t pretend your putter is a weapon and perform a sword dance. You are definitely not Tiger Woods, so the multiple fist pump isn’t for you either. However if you’re waiting at the tee box, then it’s acceptable to practice Eldrick’s bouncing ball off the wedge routine, just note it won’t look as cool. Unless you’re paying John Daly royalties, then his gigantic over swing should be left to him. And most of all, you’re not Happy Gilmore, so please don’t bother attempting his hockey stick swing. If you must, please keep that act regulated to the driving range.

3^rd Hole: Be True to the Game - One of the biggest peeves golfers have is when you shave strokes off your score. You hit two drives, lost one ball, hit another into the water, took two out of the bunker, 3-putted, and managed to salvage bogey? Unless the hole you’re playing is a par 10, then no you didn’t. There might not be any stakes involved although having a small wager can make you become more accountable for your score. Inaccurate score keeping is irritating to everyone in the group, and most importantly, it’s detrimental to your game. I’m not saying to abide by USGA rules, so unless you’re playing in a tournament, normal leisure golf rules agreed upon before tee off should be enforced.

4^th Hole: Cell Phone Usage - If the former Bear Stearns CEO doesn’t answer his phone while his hedge fund collapses, then you definitely have no business answering your phone while playing. Put it in silent mode and send a text message if you have to because I don’t want you yapping to your significant other of how horribly you’re doing.