The Front 9: Golf Etiquette for Weekend Hackers

Being an avid golfer, I witness a wide array of skill levels, from beginners to scratch players. And I detest playing with beginners who don’t have common golf courtesy. Observing your group’s ardent golfer or a pro’s decorum can subconsciously improve your own mannerisms around the fairways. Golf is obviously played at a different pace than your average sport; therefore, certain rules apply to it. There is no other sport where you penalize yourself. When I’m playing pickup hoops, I’m not going to call fouls on myself [and if you're the one who calls charges, you suck]. Golf is different. Not many other sports have unwritten rules that dictate the code of conduct. If you’re new to the sport, be cognizant of the following golf etiquette tips when you play, as it will lead to a more pleasurable round amongst your foursome. It most likely won’t improve your score though.

1^st Hole: Pick up the Pace – I’m not talking about the salsa, but rather every golfer not getting paid to play should play “ready golf”—meaning if you’re ready for your next shot but you’re not furthest out, go ahead and play it. You see your playing partner feverishly looking for his ball in the rough stuff, so instead of idling around go ahead and play [that is, if you're not helping him look for his Titleist]. While on the putting green, please don’t mark your ball from tap-in distance. 18 holes shouldn’t take more than 4.5 hours to finish. On municipal golf courses, this is by far the biggest complaint people have.

2^nd Hole: Stop Mimicking the Legends – You are not Chi-Chi Rodriguez, so don’t pretend your putter is a weapon and perform a sword dance. You are definitely not Tiger Woods, so the multiple fist pump isn’t for you either. However if you’re waiting at the tee box, then it’s acceptable to practice Eldrick’s bouncing ball off the wedge routine, just note it won’t look as cool. Unless you’re paying John Daly royalties, then his gigantic over swing should be left to him. And most of all, you’re not Happy Gilmore, so please don’t bother attempting his hockey stick swing. If you must, please keep that act regulated to the driving range.

3^rd Hole: Be True to the Game – One of the biggest peeves golfers have is when you shave strokes off your score. You hit two drives, lost one ball, hit another into the water, took two out of the bunker, 3-putted, and managed to salvage bogey? Unless the hole you’re playing is a par 10, then no you didn’t. There might not be any stakes involved although having a small wager can make you become more accountable for your score. Inaccurate score keeping is irritating to everyone in the group, and most importantly, it’s detrimental to your game. I’m not saying to abide by USGA rules, so unless you’re playing in a tournament, normal leisure golf rules agreed upon before tee off should be enforced.

4^th Hole: Cell Phone Usage – If the former Bear Stearns CEO doesn’t answer his phone while his hedge fund collapses, then you definitely have no business answering your phone while playing. Put it in silent mode and send a text message if you have to because I don’t want you yapping to your significant other of how horribly you’re doing.

5^th Hole: Assume the Position – When I’m swinging a club, I should not see anyone in my peripheral vision. I shouldn’t see movement either. Maintain a good distance away from the golfer in play. There’s so much open area in a course that I shouldn’t feel you breathe on me. While on the green, make sure your shadow doesn’t stand in your playing partner’s line. And unless you’re tending the flag, definitely don’t stand behind the cup when I’m putting. The proper position to read your opponent’s putt is behind the ball.

6^th Hole: Fit to a Tee – A golf course generally has at least 3 different tee boxes. The forward tee is strictly for the ladies. No self-respecting guy, regardless of age, should ever tee up from the forward tees. I remember growing up and playing with random seniors. These guys probably grew up playing with hickory shafts and woods actually made from wood, and yet they never played from the forward tees. Ever since then I told myself I shall never tee-off from the reds. Conversely, if your score resembles the temperature on a Vegas summer day, please stay away from the back tees. You have no business there either.

7^th Hole: Retain your Composure – Upset that you shanked your drive? That you flubbed yet another chip shot? 3 putted from 10 feet? Well that’s what happens when the first ball you’ve hit in months was the drive on the 1st tee. Getting upset at your last shot only adversely affects your next shot. Yes, the ball rarely does what we visualize it to do, so there’s no need to get pissed when it is the norm rather than the exception.

8^th Hole: Equipment and Apparel – Do yourself a favor and don’t buy an all-in-one [yes, even though it comes with the golf bag] set. This screams golf newbie. Try out a few pro-line clubs and buy them used off eBay. Unless you have chronic back problems, you shouldn’t use a belly putter as they make you look foolish. Don’t use range balls and definitely don’t use fluorescent balls unless you want your sexuality questioned. Basketball shorts, jeans, and t-shirts aren’t permitted in most respectable courses, so why wear them on a public course? Plaid shorts are permitted, just not paired with a plaid shirt. Respect the game.

9^th Hole: Have Fun – Yes, this might contradict a few points mentioned above, but if you’re out on a course, then you’re not at the office or at home or anywhere else. Generally you’re with a group of guys whose company you enjoy. Few settings allow drinking and driving, but it’s part of the game here. Many play golf not for the exercise [how many calories can you burn while driving a cart?] but rather for the camaraderie and social aspect. Regardless of how you may play a particular day, that one good shot you hit will make you come back.

photo by dskciado